to chase and run after something, that might not be worth anything, to love, to hate, to…

In Uncategorized on November 21, 2010 at 1:22 am

Haven’t written in this for a while.  But just spent some time with my sister today, and it was just so refreshing. How is it that I haven’t chilled with her for 3 weeks literally. Am i making her a priority? What about my promise at the beginning of the school year to put my family and friends first? Am I going back on those promises?… and so, the thoughts of life begin…

life: Reflection is a great tool. Now that we’re almost all going on exchange, pursuing our careers, chasing for that something, that something that we think will bring us acceptance, love, happiness, success, and wealth, will that thing really bring us that thing that we crave when we get there? Everyone seems to know what they want to do. “Oh yeah, I’m going into _____________”… “I’m actually going to be a ________”… I look around, and it seems like none of us are actually living in the moment.  Just stop… please, and reflect. What are we all chasing after? why are we chasing after it? People ask me what I want to get into, and I usually give a certain answer, but to be honest, i don’t know.. i really don’t. Why am i here? Why am i doing what i’m doing? …We look forward, to the happiness that we could have in the future, we forget to enjoy the happiness of our present. I really hope i don’t fall into the trap, the trap of being so caught up with what my future will be like, of what career i’ll be in, and of chasing something, that may not be worth it at all in the end…

the fight: It’s scary not knowing. Not being able to know what will be. Not knowing if we can all live together peacefully. why is there all this hate? i don’t get it, i don’t care if people call me idealistic or w/e, categorize me however you like. Why can’t people see that we’re all the same? Black or white, 61 years old or 16 years old, Catholic or Protestant, Jewish or Muslim, Japanese or Chinese, at the end of the day, the differences that we choose to see don’t matter, because at the end of the day, we’re all on the same side, we’re all human. A lot of people will disagree with me on this point, but to be honest, I could care less. The people that have died, that have suffered in the name of race, religion, and etc etc etc, have died in innocence. As the human race, why can’t we move forward? If this continues, i’m am so scared, that the weapon of mass destruction will be us (if it isn’t already).  It brings tears of anger to my eyes, just even writing this, looking at the computer screen, because we chose to not educate ourselves. We are all in pain, we are all suffering, all sides, so why are we doing this to ourselves? I understand that by me writing this, isn’t exactly getting us anywhere, but I do not know what else I could do…

The guilt: A lot of people go through this (of course I am not the only one)… The amount of guilt that i sometimes feel, for just being, is getting to the point where it’s starting to consume me. How can i say i really care about “x” if i’m here, shopping and buying (i just came back from the Eaton Centre by the way…) —so i am in no way excluding myself from being part of the problem—and feeding into the system that has contributed and is still contributing to exploiting people? If i really cared, would i not fly to Indonesia right now, as I type, or Haiti, or Pakistan? When I expressed these thoughts to someone whom i admire a lot, his response was “Bonnie, if you threw away your education right now, you’re not helping anyone… Do you think ‘those people’ would appreciate it? no, the only way to stop the cycle is to educate yourself”… but even so, it is extremely difficult at times, to stay focused and motivated… To know that at this very moment, at  8:15pm Canadian time, there is someone, in let’s say Pakistan, a little girl, who is lying on the streets, unable to receive medical attention, and starving, away from her family not because of the ‘natural’ disaster because there was nothing natural about it (with adequate infrastructure, the amount of suffering could have easily been diminished– thanks Afzal, for enlightening me about this), but because of the inability of the people to protect themselves against floods and natural phenomenons  like we have been able to in the West, it feels like someone took my heart out and walked all over it…

And now, as I’m about to finish to write this post, I think of what I can do, to stay motivated, stay grounded, and stay sane. Just know that if anyone is ever up for a conversation about life, i’m always here 🙂


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